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I spent near $800 last night on lap dances. God I'm lonely. I am also quite aware I could have had a high class escort for that kind of money

So im aware to be grateful for living and life...but the simple mundanity of it all just gets me. Brushin teeth, eating, blah ..just overwhelming choices. Why so many choices??? Its like feeling left out or you are doung it wrong somehow. The only thing thats weird is i love bathing. Whats crazy is i was drowned in my tub back in 2009.
So im grieving now for a lot of different reasons and losing people i cared about. How can i get back to caring about life when its permantly scarred?? The men i tried to love are dead or gone. The ghosts haunt me. I cant escape their spirits. Im lost and barely able to see into the future or want it.
Its a shadow i dont have to illicit.
I used to have a happy heart. Its all muted.

controling younger women is fun

Yeah I mean Karma has come around to get me a few times - flunked out of school failed a big certification got a big drinking problem and several Dwis

But I beat Karma too .. got back in school, graduated, passed certification and got a good job

Then I started dating a teenage girl I met when I was student teaching - she was a graduating senior

We’ve been together several years now and have a young child together - but that was a lucky shot because she’s pretty much infertile now

But on the plus side, she wears only whatever I tell her to.

She only wears shoes I buy her. She’s not allowed to own socks and hasn’t been allowed to wear them for years

She only has a few pairs of underwear that she’s allowed to wear

Same with Bras

There are only a few bras she’s allowed

She has to get her outfits approved by me every day before she can leave the house

She’s a pretty good mom

She cooks and cleans

She is very deferential - says yes sir to me and all that

Second big one is I Control what she eats

This is how I keep her skinny

She is not allowed to eat unless I say so

I let her eat a small bag of plain tortilla chips and salsa to get her through the day

She grew up in a Mexican community but doesn’t speak Spanish

I’ve never technically seen her real birth certificate but she says she was born in West Texas our near the Border

Sounds right

We live 1000+ miles from there

Keeping her isolated from her family isa challenge

But it works well as far as method of control

Im working on Closing the loop on her

She’s getting sick of Facebook. I’m thinkig of suggesting “we” (she) “take a break” from social media

I’ve already canceled cable

We still have internet but her computer is broken

Her iPhone is super old and has a shattered screen I won’t replace for her

So she’s getting more and more cut off

When I moved down to the gulf coast for work she didn’t know anybody

So she’s alone at home most days

No friends

I thought it would be hard to keep her skinny

But I just don’t keep much food in the house at all

And we sold her car after it broke down

We live in a suburban complex several miles fromany other store ... not walkable at all

I keep all bills in my name

All credit cards and bank accounts
In my name

I let her have cash sometimes - like $20 or so - makes her feel like she has money and autonomy

Even without cable she still watches a lot of free daytime tv

I think it helps her deal with being hungry all the time

But man she is super skinny

I told her I like her skinny and don’t want her to get over 115-120

she throws up to stay thin

I remind her to go throw up sometimes after dinner

Another plus is
She is super tolerant of my drinking problem

I drink myself black out drunk about half the nights

I think she really really likes taking care of me when I’m drunk

Like second to her enjoying being a young monther - which she’s great at

She really enjoys taking care of me when I’m drunk

Which is really nice

There is a big advantage in being about 15 years older than a girl

Young and impressionable girls are fun to work with

And they are fun to control

should I drink Whiskey alone at night? im up late with my tod*ler

I need a drink. So badly. It’s been almost 24 hours. My 3 year old asked me: “Daddy do you need a Drink?” She is right. I do. But all I have is whiskey. Woodford Rye. Bourbon (Makers. Meh). And some Scotch I don’t like.

Should I stay sober or should I let myself have a nightcap? I’ve worked hard, and i deserve a drink in the evening at my home.

Plus, my daughter’s mom is really sick in bed, and knocked out. Her extended illness has really Been draining me: because I get off work then I have 100% of household duties, chores, childcare, and also taking care of her. Now she’s finally in a drug induced sleep - and nearly 10pm so it seems like an ok time for me to make myself a double whisky on the rocks

:nerd: i wear glasses to pee better.

do you miss Austin, Texas?

im so skinny its turning me on and making me masterbate constantly
im jusy so hungry. it hurts. I feel like im starving to death

I just let my best friends do whatever with my wife. Hang out alone and get drunk whatever

She slept with most of my friends before we dated

I figured I knew who I was marrying

She had slept with an admitted 52 guys ... Im positive the number is much much higher...

I was so novice: I had only slept with 2 other girls, in my life! both much younger than me - teenage Virgin nerdy girls when I was in graduate school in my mid Twenties - I had been an RA and did some work as a substitute teacher which Is where I met
my first one was Sophomore that I tutored who was infatuated/ obsessed/in love with me and wanted to marry me even as a teenager..she straight up told me she wanted my babies and was going to not take birth control - it was too intense!!
- the other was a junior at a different school who later dumped me for an even older guy going to Harvard law school

needless to say: I was very very Inexperienced

My wife got over my tremendous lack of sexual experience because I make good money as an engineer and she never has to work

It’s not the worst arrangement you know: nerdy white guy who’s nearly a virgin pays all the bills and gets an attractive former hostess and bar tender girl who’s slept around as a live in girlfriend and now wife

It still weirds me out that she somehow seems to know every other bar tender and waiter in town - years and years later... they’re all extremely friendly and flirtatious withher - even though she’s a budding soccer mommy now

But that’s like hundreds - seriously hundreds and hundreds - of guys

So yes, I just assume she’s sleeping with all of them

The way you're looking in your sleep, the way you're looking when you leap. The strange illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing

my secretary is always taking cigarette breaks every time I need her !!! it drives me crazy!!!

Every single time I need her she is always out smoking cigarettes downstairs. I swear to god that dumb bitch must smoke at least two or three packs a day. She’s in her late 30s like me, but has been chain smoking for 20 something years and is always sick, always reeks of stale smoke, constantly coughing, always sick with a sinus infection and swollen lymph nodes, her voice is always hoarse and husky, and her teeth are falling out from years of constant chain smoking

It’s just the fuc*** worst. Working with smokers who absolutely don’t even consider quitting their disgusting habit that is killing them and making them sick - while feeding their addiction that makes them run outside every half hour because she is slavishly addicted

were you a heavy smoker who died from lung cancer too?? at only age 47

I am a heavy smoker too - and at 37 I’m already having serious health problems after 22 years of smoking but I can’t quit

Do you still crave cigarettes ?

I started smoking at age 15, but when I turned 16 it became a daily thing - by 17 I was smoking half a pack a day and honestly I badly wanted to smoke a lot more

When I turned 18 in 1998 and moved away for college - and away from my non smoking parents - I immediately started smoking a pack a day - then a pack and a half a day then two packs a day

By 19 I was smoking two and a half packs a day and deep down I seriously wanted to smoke at least three packs a day

I fear I was re-born in 1980 with the soul of a chain smoker

I crave cigarettes

I actively want to be a chain smoker - I want to never quit !!!

I secretly want to die from lung cancer - to destroy my lungs

I want to onlydate other heavy smokers

What the hell is wrong with me?

I played lol and i played a broken ass champ, i am sorry god

Sometimes I act NORMAL in public just to shake things up.

My junior high experience sexually was very frustrating

I got my ass beat on the school bus
I was a fat nerd with bad grades and few friends
i had no girls talk to me

Then two years later, I started puberty, would go to school without underwear, color on my pen** with markers, wrap my pen** with scotch tape, stuff pine straw in my pants

When I finally “discovered” ejaculation it was while stroking myself in the bathtub at Christmas while reading the Sears Catalog...
I went through a thing where I was staring at girls feet obsessively in 8th grade and really t got way outta hand. Like feet were a key part of my obsessive daily masturbation,

But I still had no girlfriend

I didn’t even have girls talk to me

I had to jerk off alone several times a day

It wasn’t until 4 years later, when I was in 11th grade - near the end of my junior year in high school when I finally got a girl to kiss me

And that girl was in middle school, several years younger than me, maybe 13 or 14?

I seriously think I was 19 or 20 years old and in college several lonely years before a girl even agreed to put my dic* in her mouth

And even then it was a much younger girl who was still in high school - because that’s all I could manage at the time

Sounds like most people are doing better than me

Blantons Bourbon And Cane’s Fried Chicken

Bitches. its the fuc*** Truth

Sometimes when I'm in public, I do really suspicious and disturbing things while sitting at table on a plaza. Sometimes I'll read and then look up and around around every now and then, Sometimes I'll write and while doing so I'll stare into space in thought. I make sure to wear sunglasses too.

Buying Upcycle shoes on you Tube from girls who wear them without socks

It’s an addiction. I’m spending several hundreds of dollars every month buying shoes from girls on you tube who promised to wear them without socks and post videos of themselves doing it

$5,540 last year. That’s how much I spent buy shoes from girls who wore them without socks

massively cut back on drinking 4 weeks ago - still not losing any weight!!!? what the hell???

What the hell man? This is such bull shit! Im working out just as much as I was before!!! Im probably working out more!!! How the fuc* can I massively cut back on drinking (was drinking a bottle of wine every night, plus other drinks, whisky, dark beers, etc) - and have ZERO to show for it - despite eatingnabout the same and working out at least an hour a day - up from maybe average of 30-45 mins- whats he Point!? How long do I have to wait to see real results!?!?

Memorial Day was the last time I got full on drunk - other than like last Friday and maybe the prior Sunday, and one other time I had 1 damn glass of wine!! - but like - Ive been continuing to work out harder, lifting weights more like 5 times a week instead of 3, and added 2-3 days a week of real cardio - jogging - instead of just walking the dog!

I am eating the same or slightly less! I still have a protein shake a day just like before and still eat a protein bar for a snack just like before - I don’t eat candy or cake or cookies hardly ever - I eat salads and tacos - and I try to eat a balanced meal for dinner. I’m probably around 2500 calories a day just being real - now that I’m not drinking booze every day

Look: the booze was probably 800-1000 calories a day! I’ve weighted this same fuc*** 218-223 pounds since last September - 9 fuc*** months -and 8 of them I was boozing hard, drinking worrying single day - and my weight was always in this same range

What the fuc* man? What gives!? What is the point of trying to not be an alcoholic and “be good” and drink less if I am working my ass off exercising, I mean - I bought a whole new pack of cushioned running socks because my other socks sucked and had holes in them and we’re just not very comfortable when running and giving me blisters - I’m all red faced and sweating like a pig when I get done with even a moderate 45-50 min jog and my fit bit knows I was in serious cardio mode

But this fuc*** scale isn’t moving a goddamn pound - or it goes down a few pounds to 220 or 221x only tonshoot back up to 223 the next day - what the fuc* am I supposed to do here?

An AR-15 assualt rifle sits loaded in my closet. 6 more loaded magazines are at the ready, in pouches on a belt, with a survival knife, and an LED flashlight light. A loaded glock pistol with a red laser light is in a holster on the top shelf.

im ready for whatever

my wife hates me

She doesn’t like it when I drink. She doesn’t want to have sex with me. She says she doesn’t want more than our one kid then complains we don’t have a large family. Then she wants to live it up and party like our friends without kids. Then she complains we don’t do enough as a family. She’s hated her job and thinks I made her take it. She wants me to make more money for her but says I work too much. She spends most of my money. She gets mad when I go to the gym. She gets mad when I try to do anything fun. She gets mad when I try to do anything productive. She gets mad when I try to rest.

I got so mad I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of nuclear war and margaritas raced through my head. I started cleaning out the garage. Tossing old camping gear, boots full of cobwebs, hiking socks full of holes. I found my old stash of cigarettes and alcohol. Rye whisky. I want to just get trashed at 3:45am in the morning so fuc*** bad. But I have to go to work because it’s monday...

My wife is off work all summer, three months. She still gets paid

I haven’t had a single week off work in over ten years. Only a few four day weekends every now and then. No vacations. No travel for me that isn’t for work.

Fuc* my life. I’m not as courageous as Anthony Bourdain. I’ve got far less left. But I don’t have the balls to check out or leave.