i post here often - but never in such detail. i hope someone reads this. i'm leaving a keyword at the bottom so i can easily find this post again and read the comments later...
my wife and i have never had a great relationship. things have always been hard for us.
about 2 years ago i flirted with a girl from work a lot, and even kissed her once while out drinking.
her and i went out for drinks a few more times and then i called it off... i never slept with this woman or did anything more than the one kiss.
then my wife... she had a full blown affair. slept with him. they did it all - whatever you can think of - they did it.
he even spanked and choked her while they slept together... she fell in love with him.
she called it off with him and things have been pretty rough ever since. they were friends for a while after, with my (admittedly dumbass) blessing. there were lots of fights and lots of jealousy... but we've been trying really hard to work it out.
recently, my wife admitted to me that she has always wanted an "open relationship". she even suggested that the man she cheated on me with be one of the other men!
to try and satisfy her we have even had a couple threesomes with other men, and once with another woman. i hated it, every time... found it hard to get off or even stay aroused. but i did it. for her... like an idiot. i would do just about anything to stay with her. but it's gotten nearly impossible.
this isn't me. i want monogamy. i want one woman to love me and be intimate with me. its why i kissed that woman from work and took her out... i felt intimacy even though i knew it was bullshit.
recently, my wife also admitted that intimacy just wasn't in her anymore, and even before she was just feigning it.
we rarely kiss and when we do i get pushed away before i can really feel the intimacy between us.
we have had several fights and arguments about the "open" thing, and even fought about divorce.
she knows what she wants hurts me.
we are in to bdsm and dom/sub stuff, so today she asked me - would i want a female slave?
i was totally honest with her and told her that i feared i may fall in love with that woman, and that if that other woman wanted the same thing i did - monogamy and intimacy - i might just leave my wife for her. it was a hypothetical conversation but she just lost her fucking mind. we've been fighting all day since...
and really she's just been yelling and screaming at me, it sucks a lot.
i didn't imply it was something i actually wanted to do, but now she is furious. she says, even when she wanted to fuck other men she never implied she would leave me...
i was just being honest and now she is saying she hates me, wants a divorce, and hopes i find "that good little whore" i've always wanted... i keep telling her all i really want is her but she is shutting me out... telling me to go away and leave her alone. she finally just shut down and went to sleep.
we've been married for 8 years - we have kids and a life. i don't know what to do. i know without an open life she will be miserable... i'm tempted to divorce her. she can have what she wants and someday maybe i really will find a woman that wants to just be with me, and only me, in a true loving relationship...
but really. all i want is for my wife to love me, only me, and really be all in... she says that's just not her. she can't give it to me. i don't know what the fuck to do... ever since her affair and my fling our relationship has been awful...
i know a divorce will be incredibly hard, awful on us both, and the kids... but part of me feels like maybe it will work out for the best in the end.
the rest of me feels like without my wife i will just whither up and die, possibly even by my own hand.