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326183 7/11/2018 5:55:58 AM    Relationships
I've lied to my closest friends my entire life, some little white lies some much much bigger. I have made an effort for everyone to know that I hate lying. Lying has been a defense mechanism after thinking it through, I have to pinpoint when and why it exactly started. I started dating my best friend who was really honest with me and i've known her for 5 years. The relationship only last a month and 1/2 however in this short amount of time I made her feel like she was constantly making mistakes, she made one that was huge(to me, not cheating worthy) and I broke up with her. In the process of being upset and being a liar I told her that we were no longer going to be friends. After a week and a day I finally mustered the courage to talk to her. She was saying her goodbyes and after basically saying the final goodbye and I came to the realization that I was going to lose her forever and I did the unthinkable. I spoke the truth, and it came pouring out. I embarrassed myself, showed that I was desperate, basically showed her without a shadow of a doubt that I was not the person she thought I was. She wants to remain friends but I don't agree, I want more considering she was someone who motivated me to lose weight, work harder in my career, and now finally tell the truth. She believes she can do these things as just a friend but the truth is she can't, friends don't move in that way. I am giving her space to reflect at the moment however the conclusion of this is really clear and we will remain as just friends. Since the truth is being told here I am glad I have finally spoke the truth since I always wanted to be an honest person but I just would speak or spew out lies for no reason. I thank her for everything she has done for me in this 1 1/2 month we were together. If she decides to give it another go(i'd say roughly 5% chance of that happening) then I feel we will grow closer and things will work out. If she doesn't and she reads this one day, thank you for what you did for me. There is 1 more lie I never told you about, coming into this relationship I already loved you, but I didn't want to say it because I know you don't feel the same way and it would scare you away. 22 years with a life long regret, but lesson well learned.
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