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336927 10/9/2018 1:31:15 PM    Relationships
Trump is driving America crazy - both the right and the left - nobody can handle him - the end is coming! I feel it’s time to consider dropping out of civilization, late capitalism is headed for ruin - it’s just a matter of when not if

I seriously want to leave my white collar job in my Office and go it and go camping and touring the national parks and National Forests and national monuments for at least a year or two - maybe forever

I have a paid off car and I have $9,000 spare cash in the bank I can use - I have way too many guns - so I can keep one or two and sell the rest for maybe $7,000 on quick sale - I have retirement of $100,000 that I haven’t used yet and don’t want to touch

I have monthly expenses of $5,000 for my house and debt and wife’s student debt and her credit cards plus utilities, water, power, and groceries and gas and insurance and daughters pre school tuition

I need to figure a way out of this

My wife loves me but she’s probably done with me - she sees the vacant thousand yard stare in my eyes - and I love her but I’m just so done with everything in my life and career at this Point

Truly the only reason I haven’t killed my self yet in last three years is my daughter - she is such a joy

But I know my darkness and depression is getting worse

My alcoholism has been raging non stop since I got married and started work 11 years ago

When my wife was out of town for work last weekend I had another scare:

I woke up the other night alone and drunk with a loaded 9mm pistol in my hand, I wasn’t wearing underwear but I did have very loose fitting women’s hiking pants on - I was wearing my hiking boots but didn’t have any socks on - I was freezing cold because I was in he back yard

I went inside still drink and put the gun up and locked it up

Then I passed out on the floor

My three year old daughter woke me up

I had been screaming in my sleep again

Another nightmare

Again

This isn’t even the first time this has happened

It’s time for me to go

I’m a danger to myself and my wife and child -

I’m losing control when I drink alcohol

Not long ago on another weekend when my wife was out of town I was watching our daughter and I woke up drunk again with a lit cigarette in my hand

Thing is I quit smoking for years ago - and had hidden it from my wife for the 7 years before that when we first got married

I don’t keep cigarettes or hard alcohol in my house

So how a bottle of bourbon and a two packs of cigarettes ended up in my house is a myster to me

I must have blacked out again ... I could have burned the house down

I’ve totaled two cars and had two DWIs in the past 5 years

I’ve woken up blacked out drunk behind the whee ofna car on the highway

I’ve woken up drunk in the car in a parking lot with my baby daughter sitting in the backseat not even strapped in to her car seat

I’m fuc*** terrified the way my life is going right now

I’m seriously afraid I’m a danger to my family

I’m 41 and it’s getting worse and worse and spiraling. It’s gotten devastating the last year or so since I turned 40

I’m ruining my health. It’s getting awful.

My wife is only 29 she married me when she was just 18 and I was 30... I hate that I’ve wasted a decade of her life

I feel like if I stay in this job, and stay with my wife and daughter - I’m going to be a serious danger to them because I will get blackout drunk and do something seriously frightening

I need to drop out of society - I don’t have a SHTF plan - and I don’t have a way out

Maybe if I go wander the west and the mountains and up to Colorado and California and the sierras and the Rockies and up to Canada and Alaska - maybe I can find my purpose and truth then - maybe I can find my future purpose and hope

I don’t know what else to do - I don’t know where a God is - I feel like I abandoned him and that he in turn abandoned me

Please please help me

How else do I get outta this place?
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